What Every Dad Needs to Know About Having a DOULA.

I recently asked a past client (in particular the dad-to-be) what his thoughts were about having me attend their birth. I wanted to have some information to post on my website. I couldn't post everything that he said to my website, but I thought that some of this might be helpful for dads or partners who are unsure if they want to have a doula attend their birth. I always say the best way for a dad or partner to know what to think about having a doula attend the birth with them is to ASK a dad who has had the experience. Often times, they are the most enthusiastic about having a doula after the birth. I will say no more-- straight from one dad's mouth.

How did you feel that I enhanced the relationship with your wife during the birth?

You did a great job communicating with both Rachel and I together. Obviously, in many ways Rachel was your focus, but you always took time to ask me questions and ask us questions together. You recognized that we were in this together, I never felt separate or left out. Also, during the birth you never came between Rachel and I, and you knew just when to step aside and let us have time to ourselves.

In what ways did we work together as a team?

Again, communication was key. You were very inclusive in your approach before the birth and during the birth. It was clear that the three of were working together to get the baby born. Before the birth we always met all together and leading up to the birth and during the birth, decisions were made together. Once Rachel was in labor, you and I focused completely on Rachel, helping her through each contraction, encouraging her and taking turns sleeping through the night so someone was always with her. 

Did you feel emotionally supported during your experience of becoming a father? How?

Absolutely! Not only did you give Rachel encouragement, but you encouraged me as well. You always made sure I was doing okay, asking how I was feeling and if I needed anything. If you hadn't been there I wouldn't have had any support and I really needed it considering it was such a long labor. I remember while Rachel was being prepped for the c-section and I was waiting to go in you were there with me talking through the process and just being there. I was very emotional in that moment and it meant a lot to me that you were there.

Why would you tell other dads that they should hire me (or another doula)?

I think especially for first time dads having a doula is great! A doula is advocate for not only the mother but for the dad too. They can answer questions, help out during the delivery and generally make the process feel much less daunting. Also, as a soon to be dad you are the main support to your wife, which can be overwhelming at times, but with a doula you have someone to assisting in that and it really takes some of the weight off your shoulders. I would particularly recommend Hope as your doula for a number of reasons. She's calming, easy going, easy to talk to and work with, she won't undermine you or try to make decisions for you. She's very encouraging and supportive not only to the mother, but to you too. She's very knowledgable in birthing, responds quickly and is confident in what she's doing. Finally, she's committed. My wife had a very long, challenging labor and Hope was there every step of the way, I honestly don't think we could have done it without her. She's a rock star doula in my book and I would highly recommend her!

5 Things a partner can do to help!

Sometimes when I work with Dads and other partners, they are unsure about what exactly they can do to help a mom, though they always want to support her in the best way possible. Here are some easy things you can do, and she will definitely remember all you did to support her in making her dream birth come true.

1. Support her in her choices. One of the most empowering things you can do for the mother of the baby is to offer your non-judgemental support. This is her body, and the more that she can listen to what it is telling her the better. It will mean the world to her if you support her choices, and help her to advocate for her choices wherever she is birthing, and speak up for her if you know she needs something, or if you know she did not want any medications or interventions offered to her.

2. Be there with her. The more that you can just be there with her, the better. Of course, everyone needs time to rest and eat, especially during long labors. In these cases, it is not a bad idea to have the support of a second person, such as a doula, who can continue to offer support to the mother when you take a break. Don't forget that taking a break is also a great gift to yourself-- to be recharged and re-energized as the support she really needs.

3. Do your homework. Knowing different ideas for comfort measures to offer as well as different positions she can labor in will be a huge help. Sometimes this can be difficult to remember, so it is a good idea to bring your copy of The Birth Partner, by Penny Simkin along with you to the hospital. An even better idea is to have a doula (can you tell, I am biased : ) ) who is a walking talking reference book, and can suggest varying coping methods and positions depending on the stage of labor she is in, and how she is feeling, and what she is needing most.

4. Your encouraging words. There is no other person in the world that can say things to the mother that will be as meaningful as the words you say. Keep things always in a positive light: "You are strong. You are doing this. You are the strongest and most beautiful woman in the world. Okay, on the next one, let's try this new position or technique....."She is very suggestible in labor, and every positive thought you give her will help her gather the strength for the next wave of intensity.

5. Your love and care. Everyone in the mother's care team will be focused on her and the baby's health and well-being, but no one else can provide the affection that the mother needs like you can. Tell her how much you love her and show her affection. Oxytocin is the natural hormone that drives labor, and the more you can do to support that by having intimate love and care for her, the better things will be for both her and baby. Kissing, touching, and making out are all encouraged during the birthing process!